family ties continue beyond the grave

I have not had the time to sit down and share my thoughts until today.  This entry began on October 9th.

On Monday morning, I received a phone call at 5:30AM, which I knew could not be a good thing.  It was my cousin's wife, telling me that I needed to call the hospital.  My father was in the ICU and no one could get any information about him except me because I was listed as his next of kin. I called the number immediately, which was a direct line to the ICU.  When I said who I was, the nurse immediately said, "Let me let you talk with the doctor."  The doctor took the phone instantly and said, "Miss Sophia, I have some bad news to tell you about Mr. Bell."  These words could not have come as more of a shock.  

The doctor then explained to me that, the night before, Dad had been eating in the dining room of his retirement living center.  He choked.  They administered CPR repeatedly, but Dad was non-responsive.  He was on full life-support and had no brain activity.  He explained that Dad would not recover from this.  (We discovered over the next twenty-four hours that Dad had apparently had a heart attack, which caused him to choke on the food he was eating, but he passed instantly from the heart attack, not choking.)  I was in total shock.  After answering a few of each other's questions, I conference called my cousin, Ronda, who was on her way to the hospital.  I insisted that the doctor remove him from life support immediately because Dad had a DNR and would NOT have wanted to be kept alive like this.  The doctor told me that he would give us time to think and discuss it and that when Ronda arrived at the hospital, we would visit again and decisions could be officially made.

Two hours later, the doctor came back into the room and they called me again.  Ronda said that Dad looked pretty bad.  I had been texting back and forth with Ronda and her daughters, who loved my dad like no one else on this earth besides me.  They were all there, gathered together, surrounding Dad. Ronda put the phone by him and I was able to tell him goodbye, not that his mind was able to comprehend, but I knew that his spirit was lingering near.  The doctor honored my wishes, instantly, and three minutes later, all life support was removed.  Dad lived for just over an hour on his own.  I was in complete shock.

I posted this on FB and instagram about my dad.  That hour wait gave me time to think about what I would say. Immediately, I had phone calls from North Carolina and Baltimore family, some that I have not heard from in years, some total strangers.  Close friends dropped in and out all day long. There were so many decisions to be made.  Kent and Ronda and their girls met that night and called me several times throughout the day.  We decided that Dad's body would be flown to Utah and cremated here.  Our local mortician has been wonderful and treated me like I was their own family.  

Dad's body arrived and they prepared him for a private viewing for Doug and I.  The family had him prepared for me to see him.  We had been forewarned that he looked pretty rough. BUT, by law, I had to ID him before his body could be cremated. I was very nervous about seeing him.  Not because he was deceased, but, because Dad was always so handsome and well-kept and I didn't want to have a bad vision of Dad whenever I think of him forever.  When Doug and I arrived at the mortuary, Dad looked wonderful. He did not look like Dad because he was so thin.  SO SO thin.  And he has a goatee and moustache, which I have never seen or imagined.  I could not get over how much he looked like my brother, which was the biggest surprise.  At 78, Dad still had a full head of jet black hair and his face looked so good.  

We had told the kids that it wasn't advisable for them to see him, so we'd left them at home.  Once I had seen him for myself, I sent Doug home to get them.  I stayed alone with Dad, while Doug picked up Quayd and ZJ.  Grace was out of town with Ben.  That gave me almost an hour and am so thankful for that time with him.  This gave me the closure that I needed.  That alone time with his body was necessary for me.  The kids were thankful, too, for a few moments to tell him goodbye.

I've written his life sketch, which was read at two services.  One was held at the Pentecostal Church in NC and at a "Celebration of his Life" here. I will post that in a separate post.

On Monday, evening, we hosted a dinner for Doug's family and a few close friends.  We ate all of Dad's favorites (Except banana pudding, simply because we had been given so so many desserts that it some had not even been touched yet.)  We served BBQ pork sandwiches and I made the Eastern NC style BBQ sauce, which is very different than anything they serve in the south.  Dad would have been very proud!  It was the best I've ever made.  I also made hushpuppies from scratch and Zeej fried them, at the dinner as we ate them, there at the dinner, so that they would be perfect like in NC! We had potato salad, southern coleslaw, deviled eggs and I made a crock pot full of cheesy grits and bacon.  Doug's family brought a multitude of other dishes.  We did eat!  Everyone loved the hushpuppies and grits, a first for most of them. I played the Beatles and 60s /70s music that Dad loved.  He would have loved this!

Doug's family have only met my dad once in our 40 years of marriage.  We were so thankful for their support, in listening to Dad's life story, and joining us as we celebrated his life together.  They didn't know Dad, but they gave up a night to be with our family.  It meant the world to both Doug and I, and the kids.  Liza joined us on FaceTime.  She was prepared to come but we made a plan for her and I to take a trip to NC together later, which made more sense.

We began with an opening hymn and prayer, then Doug spoke about Dad and invited the kids to speak, as well.  Quayd blew me away, as he shared that he didn't know his granddad that much, but that he loved the times he had been with him and then, missionary that he,is, he shared the Plan of Salvation and how grateful he is for the knowledge that families can be together forever, through the blessings of the gospel.  The girls shared their sentiments, as well.  Zeej shocked me with a story that I was unaware of.  Apparently, the last time we saw Dad, at Thanksgiving, almost four years ago,  Zeej had left a note on Dad's bed with a few questions.  She said that she didn't expect him to answer, but when Dad went back home, she went into her bedroom and found the questions, each one, answered in Dad's handwriting, lying on her bed.  I had no idea that this had even occurred.  What a gift!

It was a night that I think my dad would have been pleased with.  His family in North Carolina held a service, which I've not yet heard a lot of details, but got a message that it was wonderful.  We will talk more, after I am done helping a friend for the next few days.

Dad's cremains will be placed next to Grannie and Granddaddy's grave in North Carolina. I feel that Dad would want his final resting place to be near his parents and brother.  I feel good about that decision.

Dad was Dad.  I loved him so much, no matter what.  I'll share those thoughts in another post.  It's been a week.  I'm still struggling with the fact that he's gone from this earth.  Even with his cremains sitting in my den waiting to be put away until our trip, it's hard to imagine my life without him.  I will now have to get used to that fact. I am so thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and the knowledge and peace that it brings to me.